A Chance EncounterBy Amator Summus
Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if something didn't happen?
I think about it a lot. More than I probably should, it's unhealthy. But I just can't shake the feeling that I've been torn in two. I desire to be so many things, but I simply cannot. I'm incapable.
He was so sweet. He didn't look down on anybody, he didn't turn up his nose, he didn't talk about that boring 'important' stuff. He was just a commoner, nothing more and nothing less, and yet he looked like he had everything he could ever want. He was happy, more happy than I had ever been up until those moments I spent with him. I'm sick of having to wear itchy clothes and stupid hats. I'm sick of having to listen to that old ferret drone on and on about his financial conquests.
He spoke differently than most of the folks around here. He had a sort of drawl, and he used words from another language I didn't understand. I think they just slipped off of his tongue by accident, but I didn't mind. They were beautiful words. They showed me something I had never seen before, made me feel things I'd never felt! Oh how wonderful it was, having my body intertwined with his, feeling his lips upon mine...
I want it. I want to feel that way again, I want to feel that way more. No, I NEED to feel that way again. I've yearned for it since that day. It's some kind of primal desire. Some kind of instinct that I can't control. Father always said I was a rebellious child. But he hasn't seen the meaning of rebellion until now. Maybe I can convince him I'm doing business. Maybe I can hide my desires from him and continue to live both lives. One as a noble, the other as a... debaucherist? No. It's not debauchery, it's just love. Free love. Passion. We all have desires, we shouldn't be ashamed of them.
Amator. That's what he called me when we were finished. It went on well into the next morning, and we were both exhausted. He buried his face in my chest, and he went on tiredly about how wonderful I was. He said I was a great 'amator'. I asked what it meant, and he told me that it was 'lover'. It's such a pretty word. I want to be a lover again, I want to please others and be pleased in return.
But I can't go out there as Nero. No, that would be a terrible idea. I need a cover. A disguise. I need a name and a story that can convince the commoners that I am one of them. I should stop calling them commoners. They aren't any less than I am. We're all beasts in the end, why separate ourselves? Still, I don't wish to sully my family name. I'll be disowned. I need a new name.
Amator. It has a nice ring to it, I think.
It will have to do, for now.