Vulpine Imperium

Ministry of War


The Ministry of (Foreign) War and (Domestic) Peace, is dedicated to, when requested by the glorious Emperor, going out and bringing barbarian lands under his control. The MinoWar is also responsible for maintaning Law & Order among the citizens of the great Vulpine Imperium, for defending the person of his Majesty via the elite Stoatorian Guards.

A History

This august body, which despite the name was founded in midwinter, is in charge of maintaining the system which keeps the Imperium, if not precisely happy, at least running. The Ministry is also in charge of going out an expanding said Imperium via... well, hitting the other side with sharp things until they give up.

In fact, the succession of War Ministers can be described in much the same way. According to Footz & Bary's Compendiume of Historie, the ancient rite for succession to power involves the chant "I hath provene my claim from ye ancient warriors bye the slittinge of mye predecessore's throat, and I shalle do the same to anye of ye poor suckeres who dareth challenge me."

The Ministry used to be called The Ministrie of War and Peace, but that was dropped after an author of some note tried to launch a campaign claiming this was the title of one of his books. Said author died a death of natural causes (because, after all, it's natural to die when there's a dagger in your ribs), but, after the War Minister of the time read the book, he, a dedicated sadist, got his friend the Minister of Niceties to ensure that the book was required reading for all Imperium schools. Since the book would now be circulated widely, the present title was adopted for the Ministry.

Given the requirements for leadership, the War Ministers themselves have tended to be a very dangerous, and occasionally even intelligent, lot. The first War Minister was, however, an exception. Anthony 'Fluffle' Marcellus died a quick and fairly painless death*.

The current War Minister, His Lordship the Right Honorable Stoator Primor Pylaris Maximus Cotsifas, is a very tall stoat with a very short temper. He's polite, quiet, and singularly merciless. A former slave captured during an Imperium raid, Pylaris' skills as a fighter brought him to the attention of first the Emperor, then the Director (see 'Ministry of Misanthropy'). His predecessor, the War Minister of the time, didn't notice him at all until the first blow was halfway home. The War Ministers, as previously noted, however, are tough gentlemen (and one Lady**). The bid for leadership sparked a duel that ranged through four-fifths of the palace, including the attics, the roof, and the Emperor's bedchamber.*** The duel, epic though it was,**** eventually ended in triumph for Pylaris.*****

This was only expected; Pylaris has a fondness for weaponry of any type that borders on an obsession. He carries his sabre, a trophy of his succession to his current position,****** as well as at least three other weapons at all times. He also shows a fondness for siege ballistae, and he's been known to hurl a dirk into a wall near someone's eye to get their attention.

Pylaris, so they say, has nothing against those who have committed no crime- but he's also the fellow who instituted such offenses as "Unprovoked perambulation with intent to generate self-motion", "Malicious rythmic inhalation", and "Rapid ocular-membrane movement". He's also got the twin notions that criminals don't deserve pity and that the only form of rehabilitation that actually works is hard labor or confinement, or preferably both at once.

His relations with the other ministers aren't well known, except that he can't stand the Minister of Commerce and would happily arrest all merchants for being too loud by half.

*As painless as scorpions get, anyway.
** She passed all the requirements with style, including the war-yodelling.
*** He wasn't amused.
**** More on this later.
*****Not his real name. Pylaris, as has been mentioned, was a captured beast. His accent is carefully obscured nowadays, and his real name... it's unpronounceable, but starts with the syllables "Mphmainmacdougall".
******He didn't take it from his opponent's dead hand or anything. Eww. No, he swiped it from a guard on the way through the Grand Hall so he could throw his dirk at his opponent and still fight.